Series: Things that are pointless on river trips, #5

Your Expensive College Text Book

Do not ever bring your $250 college text book on the river. This would be pointless. First of all, you're probably not ever going to open it. As much as you would like to believe that you are a great student... you're not. Sure, you legitimized going on the trip by bringing your text book, but that doesn't mean you're going to open it.

Instead, you will pull it out just before you go to sleep (because it's on top of your tooth brush), you'll set it in the tent next to you, and then you will fall asleep. Little do you know that at 1:30 in the morning there will be a torrential downpour and, because you drank too much beer (instead of studying), you're tent is not adequately prepared. You will wake at 4:00 AM to find yourself in a three inch puddle of water. Your text book will be floating next to you, completely ruined. You will not be able to sell it back to the school and you are now thoroughly disappointed in yourself as well as broke since you had to purchase a second copy.

OK - been there, done that, moving on now...

Series: Things that are pointless on river trips, #4

Cast Iron Pans and Cast Iron Dutch Ovens

Do not bring cast iron on a river trip. Ever. This would be pointless. It weighs a ton and really doesn't make a difference when it comes to cooking, even with dutch ovens. Use kitchen stuff that is aluminum and light... or just anything that is lighter than cast iron. If you are worried about getting Alzheimer's because of aluminum then stop drinking beer out of aluminum cans. If you do bring cast iron then clean it yourself by whatever magical method you have of cleaning cast iron. And then carry it down to the boat yourself. HINT: cast iron dutch ovens are great to tie your boat off to... but keep them out of the kitchen!

Series: Things that are pointless on river trips, #3

Trying to be "green"

Don't try to be "green" on a river trip. This is pointless. Often times boaters drive hundreds of miles in gas-guzzling trucks to float a fraction of the miles we've driven. We use equipment that is made of plastics (paco pads, boats, paddles, etc.), which is often shipped a great distance to reach us. On the river it's better to have too much than too little so a fair amount of food normally ends up thrown out. On popular over-night trips, the same camps are used night after night causing considerable impact. If you want to be "green", what's the best advice? Stay home.

Series: Things that are pointless on river trips, #2

Flip Lines on Heavy Oar Boats

Do not put flip lines on your heavily-rigged oar boat. This is pointless. If you turn a heavy oar boat over and try to flip it upright midstream with your flip lines... good luck. Chances are you will have to get the boat to shore and have some more folks join you in the re-flip. In which case, you might as well spare yourself some cash, get your boat to shore, run a throw bag through the d-rings, and flip it back over. Even though your flip lines make your boat look cool and synchronized, they are worthless. Enough said.

Series: Things that are pointless on river trips, #1

This is a new series titled "Things that are pointless on river trips"... obvious enough. I'll refer back to the series title whenever I make a post about things that are, well, pointless to bring on a river trip. We'll start our first one off with...

Shish Kabob Skewers

Do not ever bring shish kabob skewers on the river with you. This is pointless. Cut the stuff up, season or marinate the meat, and cook it in a pan over the stove.

If you find yourself using shish kabob skewers you are most likely doing two other things:

1) Wasting a ton of time to put things on a stick that you will later take off the same stick.
2) Touching / massaging raw meat, which is stupid.

If you ever find yourself on a river trip with someone who has brought shish kabob skewers simply grab them all and use them as kindling. You can't eat the sticks so you might as well use them for something positive... like creating a warm camp.